Don’t let yourself get pressured to re-attract your ex-girlfriend. Now, what do I mean by that… Well, I guess this advice aligns extremely closely with my book that I wrote, No Contact Myth. Now, for those of you who don’t know me… I’ve coached men on getting back with an ex-girlfriend and of course, I’m quite familiar with the space. Other coaches. Their training programs. What they sell. And most importantly, how they sell it. And, for a time being I also had my own training program, and of course, I had video call coaching sessions with many men. And obviously, there’s a reason why I wrote a book called “No Contact Myth,” even though I’ve helped several men to get back with an ex, or, helped them to feel confident again after the breakup. The reason why I wrote it, is basically, that there’s a lot of pressure that often gets applied to the whole concept of no contact.
Well, first of all, I guess it’s important to mention that generally speaking, I do think that there’s a lot of dishonesty about no contact advice. I definitely think that most coaches who teach about no contact, and especially have the angle of just … you know… Here are 5 signs that your ex is coming back… 3 signals that show you that she misses you… and so on. Lots of stuff, that, well, maybe on the surface isn’t necessarily always wrong… They kind of know that they are essentially hooking their audience. It’s like a drug for guys who miss their ex-girlfriend. And the same is true for women of course. When they hear that these are the 5 stages of a breakup, and right now you are in stage 2, and soon your ex is going to get to stage 3, now she’s almost ready to reach out to you… Uhhh *sigh*….
Well…. Let’s just say, I don’t like it… It’s predatory. And I’ve seen this a lot in sales page design for my breakup course… That you kind of need to be unrealistic in your language of what you promise. And this is not anecdotal advice, I’ve done a lot of A/B testing on my pages. With different copy, headlines, describing my course in different ways, and so on… And yea, I generally noticed that the more unrealistic the promises of the landing page, the better obviously it converts. Not that I ever did the super-scam messages, but basically, I noticed the very clear correlation between extremely positive messages, and interest in the course. It kind of makes sense, of course, but there’s a big problem around the concept of no contact and advertising it responsibly.
I’ve always strayed away from saying anything that I knew wasn’t true, but it’s really hard to actually sell the idea of the no contact rule as a tool to heal, to learn what went wrong in the relationship, to understand yourself and your ex better, to see things from her perspective, but also, to change your own perspective and ask yourself what she did wrong.
And of course, there should be the angle of personal growth, to put all of these pieces together and get a better understanding of yourself… Of relationships in general. And how that all fits in with your own world view and what you thought you knew about life, relationships, and what you want out of all of it. Breakups are not easy or simple. And there is a lot that you can learn… and actually, SHOULD learn from it.
Seriously, it’s more important to learn and grow from a breakup, than to get your ex back. Hands down. It’s not even a question. If I could give you those two choices, and let’s say getting back your ex is a 50% chance, but personal growth is only a 20% chance… I would still recommend you to focus on personal growth because it most likely has the better long-term outcome for you, in terms of happiness.
So, anyway, there’s a lot of dishonesty about no contact. Of course, there are a lot of promises that are unrealistic, and that’s something that I’ll probably make a video about all by itself in the future… But I just want to talk more about the idea of pressure to get an ex back. Because one of the things, that personally, I’ve never done, but you definitely see it a lot… Is time-based pressure. It’s like… Something is at stake. You either get your ex back right now, or she’s going to be gone forever. Or, well, of course, there’s the whole idea of no contact 30 days. No contact 60 days. Can I do no contact the second time around if I messed it up?
There are these ideas of, well, there’s only one specific way to do no contact… Or… Well, maybe you’ve tried no contact, but honestly bro, you did it all wrong. But I have the SECRET formula, to finally do it right. Here’s what you ACTUALLY have to say or do. This is a very tempting proposition to guys who miss their ex-girlfriend. They’re looking for that secret sauce that nobody else can give them.
If you just have all the right ingredients, your ex-girlfriend will come back to you. But of course, that is utter nonsense. The reality is, if your ex-girlfriend wants to be back with you, she’ll be back with you. Obviously, you can make the process easier, and sure, it is possible to make mistakes when you talk to an ex again. Of course, you could screw it all up. But if she really loves you, she would forgive you and understand that the whole process is a bit awkward. As a whole, the secret formula just doesn’t exist.
What does exist, of course, is a deep understanding of breakup and relationship psychology, and especially differences between men and women, how we process breakups differently, or how we feel differently about our exes, and so on. But the idea that it takes exactly 30 days until your ex will want to reach out to you, is obviously ridiculous. Just as the idea of 60 days, or 90 days is ridiculous.
Why is it 30 days? Why is it 60 days? Why 90? Oh, well, you know, the fading affect bias takes exactly 30 days before blabla…. Nah… Bullshit! Believe me, I have an extensive chapter about the fading affect and its benefits from many perspectives. I get it, some time has to pass for an ex to not be so upset any longer. But why is 30 days? Or 60 days? It’s marketing. It’s what Search Engine Optimization experts would call, long-tail keywords I believe. Basically, it’s more specific and targeted to search “30 days no contact”, versus just “no contact”… There’s less competition, so to speak. And also, well, if it’s 30 days, that means, if I start now, then in 30 days, I’ll have my results.
On top of it, well… Shit… I’m already on day 7 of our breakup… Have I been doing things wrong for 7 days? Now I only have 23 more days left to really make the first month after the breakup count?
There are so many ways, how this consciously, or subconsciously can pressure you to take action to get back with your ex. And even all that advice, or the keywords like “If your ex does this, she’s guaranteed to come back to you”, and so on… That’s pressure as well I would say. It’s trying to pressure you to buy into the idea, that you HAVE to, you SHOULD get back with your ex. It’s the only logical choice for you, otherwise your life is ruined!
I’ve never made this type of content. My original course was MILES apart from this, and even in my coaching sessions I always kept it real. But honestly, this stuff sells. And to be frank, it’s what guys who search for getting back with an ex want to hear. So it’s basically ripe for the pickings. If you are somebody in the breakup advice space, and you just don’t give a shit basically, all you care about is money, you have no integrity, you totally know that at least half of what you’re promising is… well… practically a flat-out lie… But who cares… In THEORY what you’re teaching isn’t wrong. It CAN work. So, yea, whatever… I’ll just keep on selling what everybody wants. And I’ll keep on adding up the pressure. I’ll add one more video that says “If you haven’t heard from your ex in 60 days, do THIS right now”…
Just one more thing, that gets some poor, probably young guy, who’s still inexperienced, naive, insecure, to buy into the idea that he should pause his life, start obsessing more over what he should do to get his ex back, and let me get him further hooked on that cycle. UGH honestly, even just thinking about that… And knowing some of the coaches and how they do it… SOME… not ALL…. But yea man, there are some coaches who just… They have no decency. I’ve seen this space. I know what guys want. I know how they think. I know the results that are possible. And… There’s just so much stuff out there, that.. I don’t know man. It’s just a grift. It’s a scam. It’s evil.
And this, of course, why I wrote this book. Because, I knew that my approach, kind of made no sense. I was never teaching the fake pressure-type of content or advice, so I asked myself… Wait a minute, I’m basically teaching how to become attractive and happy again after a breakup, so… I should probably just teach about that. And not write the message about re-attraction.
And that’s what I’m actually doing now, I have a YouTube channel about breakups. This here is more like a side thing where I just occasionally want to post, and get some of the things out that I saw in the past. Because I think as a guy, you have to be really, really careful who you trust in this space. You shouldn’t let yourself get pressured into the idea, and the wild promises, that you have to do this, or that. Or that THIS is what exactly is happening in your breakup stage right now.
All of this stuff is non-sense and will drive you insane. Believe me, I’ve seen this in my own clients, that they basically looked for those signs. And I had to HELP them, to understand that this is not how this works, or how they should look at no contact as a process.
I’m not here to tell you not to do no contact, and I’m certainly not here to tell you to not try to give your relationship another shot. I actually emphasize this uhhh… I guess it’s probably in the last section of my book, where I first talk about the importance of not holding on to false hope of getting back with an ex. It’s fine to want an ex back, and many times, I think it’s the better choice, especially with kids. Even with marriage or engagements, I would say, sometimes, maybe it just is what it is, and it won’t resolve itself. And it’s important to move on. But, at the very least, with kids, almost always, I would say, please give it a shot, for the sake of the child. So, I don’t want to discourage you from getting back with an ex. But the process has to be right one.
And that effectively starts not with your ex, or with pressure, and signs that if you now take action, and do specific thing X in 3 days from now, and then, after 20 days, you do Y, then slowly, things will get better. Nah, man. Things will only get better, if you get better. Better, as in, you improve yourself. Become more attractive. Start to enjoy life, live your life, meet new people, maybe even date, and so on.
And better, as in, you just feel better, happier, no longer lonely, no longer crying too often, no longer randomly thinking about her, no chest pain, or heart palpitations, or whatever pain or unexpected problems that you’ve never experienced in your life.
The goal, and the approach, should be to fix that broken heart of yours. That is what no contact is for. And if you have that approach, for the most part, there won’t be any pressure on you. Sure, you could pressure yourself to think… Ok, one more thing, then I’m good enough. Then I’m happy again. Then I have my life back in order, etc… But I think generally, at least, there won’t be pressure for you to sell yourself on the idea that you have to achieve all that stuff RIGHT NOW, as in, 30 days of healing, and then it’s supposed to be done.
And man, if your ex-girlfriend reaches out to you during the time that you are healing, assuming that she doesn’t randomly come back after a year or so, after some other guy didn’t make her happy… So, basically, as long as she didn’t treat you like a convenient backup plan… Well, then maybe, if you’re in a better spot mentally, perhaps both of you can give it another shot. Sure. But, you should think about that, if the opportunity actually arises.
And hey, at that point, I’d even say it’s totally fine to hop on a call with a breakup coach or no contact coach, but, please just make sure that it’s one of the coaches who aren’t liars. Like I said, there is a lot of evil stuff out there, the pressure-type of no contact advice. But there ARE actually good coaches out there, who have a reasonable approach, who don’t lie to you, who don’t overpromise… Just, I would say, genuinely nice men or women, who want the best for you, and they understand that lying to you isn’t part of that equation. These types of breakup coaches can actually help you out a lot to sort things out during the final stretch.
But, as I said, the most important thing you can do, is go no contact right now, not so that you get some result of re-attracting her in 30 days from now… It shouldn’t even be so you re-attract her at all, ever, independent of when it happens… That’s still pressure, it’s just not time-based. Your goal should be to start to reconnect with yourself, what you want for your life, and start to actually make a new plan for yourself.
And then, in the future, whatever is going to happen in the next few months, I’m sure, it’ll be the right thing for you. Life has a way of sorting itself out with time. With a bit of hard work, self-introspection, and setting a new course, you’re going to be well on your way to get out of that dark hole that you’re in right now. So, go no contact for yourself, to learn what you want out of life now, without your ex. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time, until we make contact again.
