Why getting closure from ex girlfriends is unrealistic. I know, if you just recently had a breakup, then there’s nothing that all of you want more than closure… The final last words that will FINALLY bring you peace. Everybody craves it after a breakup. We believe that once we’ve gained closure from our ex-girlfriend, things will finally get better. And perhaps that could be true in some cases, but the real question is: Are you going to get closure from your ex-girlfriend? Well, let’s talk about it. 

Hey guys, welcome back to the Breakup Corner, I’m Andi Galster, and here I teach men how to move on from their ex-girlfriend. So, as the title of this post already indicates, I think that for most guys, unfortunately, getting closure from an ex-girlfriend is very unrealistic. Or at the very least, it tends to not happen in the way that most of you hope for.

You see, when you have a breakup with a woman, it’s almost always the man who is the one on the losing end. It hurts to hear this, but just statistically speaking, your ex-girlfriend is far more likely to have negative feelings towards you after your breakup than the other way around. It’s just how women are wired. So it’s quite common for women after a breakup to be done with the relationship and their ex-partner.

Of course, that’s not always the case. A woman can hurt just as much as you do after a breakup, but generally speaking, it’s much more likely that you are hurting more than your ex-girlfriend as the breakup continues. Your ex-girlfriend on the other hand is likely going to be in deep pain for a very brief period of time, but she will also recover very quickly from the breakup… At least, on the surface.

I actually talk a LOT about these kinds of breakup dynamics in my book “The No Contact Myth“, in case you want a pretty scientific approach to the subject. But anyway, shameless plug over. Your ex-girlfriend will move on with her life quicker than you will, and she will probably not be very motivated to give you closure. She just doesn’t want to hear from you, to be honest.

It’s really important to understand how closure works very differently between men and women. The desire for closure is effectively the realization that a relationship has come to an abrupt end, and we still want to bring the relationship to a conclusion — of course, that’s never really possible, but we tend to tell ourselves that if only we can talk to our ex-girlfriend one more time about the relationship, then we may gain peace. Something will finally add up and make sense. But of course, the reality is, that most likely, you’re just hoping that this last conversation could bring the relationship back to life or at least, make it feel less bittersweet.

The issue is that your ex-girlfriend is often not on the same side in terms of the breakup experience. You’re essentially on opposite sides of the spectrum. She doesn’t feel that the relationship ended abruptly. Unless you’re the one who broke up with her, and it came as a big shock to her, then the odds are very high that the breakup was already in the making for quite some time. So that means, the only one who desires closure is you. 

But if you really want to gain closure, then you cannot get this from her. Your ex is likely never going to give you what you want. You’ll never get the answers that you want from her, or even if that is the case, it’s quite likely that she will offer you the answers to your questions much later on, when she may start to miss you and wants to reconnect with you. But by that time, you probably will have already taken some steps towards moving on, or you could say you maybe healed by 60%. But those 40% can’t be underestimated.

And if your ex reopens the old wounds by that time, you’ll likely fall back in your process of moving on from her, and most likely, you’ll need another half year or a year to finally find 100% peace. Of course, 100% peace doesn’t exist, but you get the idea. Your ex might only give you closure around the time when it likely will do more harm than good, because instead of you barely still thinking about the relationship, all the feelings will come back up and you will think about it more often if you discuss it again after a long time has passed.

So, what I would encourage all of you is to not focus on getting closure from your ex-girlfriend. I know, you probably believe that she can tell you where things went wrong, that you won’t be happy or find peace if you don’t hear directly from her how the relationship could have been saved, and so on. But the truth is, you can answer these questions without the help of your ex-girlfriend. It takes two to tango. It’s not like only your ex-girlfriend was in the relationship. 

You’ve seen hands-on what didn’t make her happy, how she made you unhappy, what triggered both of you to have fights, withdraw from each other, and so on. You may not fully understand why, but if you read a few books on relationship communication, you will surely understand better where things went wrong.

1/3 of my dating confidence book talks about relationship happiness, and my breakup book, of course, also contains a lot of thoughts on what causes a broken relationship. But of course, my books aren’t the only ones. Read a few books, whichever books sound as if they speak to your relationship with your ex-girlfriend and the problems you had. And then try to identify where things went wrong. You don’t need your ex-girlfriend to give you the definitive answer. You are a man, you should lead in relationships, and always take accountability for your actions. 

I know 100% that you have all the answers that you’re seeking from your ex-girlfriend, and if you feel that you haven’t gotten them yet, then all it will take is to do some digging with the help of great relationship books that talk about common communication patterns that lead to breakups. 

I know you are struggling right now, and I understand you might be trying to convince your ex-girlfriend to give you closure, or to provide some sort of conclusion to the relationship that you FEEL will, at the very least, bring it to a satisfying ending. But the truth is that your desire for closure directly from your ex-girlfriend is most likely more a manifestation of you missing her, rather than actually needing the answer from her

You have the answers already within you, and you can find them if you seek long enough. Don’t try to convince your ex-girlfriend to provide you with closure. You got this. Don’t give up if you feel like it’s taking too long to move on from her, or if you feel as if you can’t bear the pain any longer. The pain will ease with time, especially if you try to find the answers without the help of your ex-girlfriend. Ultimately, you now have to rely on yourself more than you can rely on her. So stay strong, I know you got this. 

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time.