What triggers to avoid after a breakup? What are things that make it harder to move on from an ex-girlfriend? Hey guys, welcome back to my little Breakup Corner, I’m Andi Galster. Let’s talk about your breakup in this little corner of the internet. 

So, let’s talk about one of the hardest things after a breakup – at least in my opinion. I’ve experienced this problem myself when I had a really bad breakup, that I would have random things that would trigger me to think about my ex-girlfriend. Actually, before I get deeper into that topic, let me share a little story.

Back then, I was really heartbroken, and I was sitting at this coffee shop by the beach. It was kind of like a roundtable, and then the shop started playing this song by James Bay, Let It Go, which is about letting go of a relationship that’s not working out. And somehow that song or even that artist became like me and my ex’s musician when we were close to the breakup – ironically.

And so I’m sitting there at this coffee shop, definitely not yet over my ex girlfriend, and the song starts playing out of nowhere. And immediately, my mood shifted 180 degrees. I started thinking about her, and I think I probably started crying. Not like sobbing, but you probably know what I mean. When you are desperately trying to hold back the tears about something, and you don’t want anyone to see your pain.

And so I was sitting there, and the only thing I was occupied with at that moment was to make it through that freaking song, and not crying like crazy because all my memories about my ex girlfriend came up that I was trying to suppress so hard. So, it was a very strong trigger to me. And I remember, I’m sitting there, I think the song is roughly at the first chorus, maybe the chorus was over, and one of the barista could see what was going on.

He didn’t know what I was going through, he had no idea that I had a breakup, but he could see it on my face. He asked the other barista to change the song. He could see the pain in my eyes. I was probably staring emptily into the void, thinking about my ex, and he knew, hearing that song right now was insanely painful to me. And I’m quite grateful to that guy. That was very high spatial awareness, you could say. He gets the barista of the year award.

So, I shared that story basically as a metaphor… It’s a good idea to turn off the things that trigger you about an ex. Because man, when it gets hard, and when you miss your ex-girlfriend like crazy, it becomes nearly impossible to not give in to the pain. It comes like a flood and no matter how hard you try to fight it, the pain wants to come out once something hs triggered it to resurface. Man, that was a painful experience. Certain moments stay with you for a lifetime.

In retrospect, of course, it’s funny to me. Life and the things we go through become lighter as we gain perspective and distance from the experiences that hurt us in the past. So, that’s a reminder to you, that no matter the pain you’re feeling right now, one day you’ll look back at that pain in a different light. Some things will be funny. Some things will seem ridiculous. Some of them are emotional. And yea, writing the script for this video brought back the pain that I felt at that moment, but it’s still ironic to me now how much pain we can feel in the moment, and how we can move on from those moments and how they can mean a lot less to us in the future. 

I mean, of course, I still remember the pain as if it was yesterday… But I’m over it. So, this is just a reminder for you, that you’ll feel better in the future. I promise you that.

So, with that metaphor out of the way, I want to briefly talk about some obvious triggers that you should be avoiding after a breakup, especially as a man. First of all, you really should not be checking up on your ex-girlfriend. The first thing you should always do after a breakup is to unfollow or mute her profile. If you want to make a clear cut, then just unfollow her, but I understand that this is not for everybody, and not everyone wants to lose the connection with an ex forever. So in most cases, muting an ex-girlfriend’s social media profiles is enough.

There are a few reasons why you should do this. First of all, it’s very tempting to check in on her and see how she’s doing. And unfortunately, almost always, women will say that they are happy, they will say they deserved better, that it’s time for a better life and so on. Most women act as if you were the worst boyfriend after a breakup. Not all of them, but most likely, if you had a breakup, you probably had some irreconcilable differences, which means your ex-girlfriend felt unhappy with you, and that means it’s quite likely that she will write things on social media that will hurt your feelings. 

On top of that, seeing your ex-girlfriend moving on as if it was nothing, to portray a lot how happy she is about life, boasting about her great experiences and so on, all of these things will only make you feel like you weren’t good enough for her or that you held her back.

The second reason why you definitely should mute your ex girlfriend’s profiles is that she is likely going to have a rebound relationship or even a new relationship much sooner than you will. That is painful as a man. We tend to be a lot more attached once we’re committed to a woman, especially because new relationships don’t come easily for men. Men are more idealistic and romantic about relationships, and as such, seeing that you have been easily replaced by another man is like a stab right through the heart. 

So, mute your ex-girlfriend, and always resist the temptation of opening her social media profiles. Whatever she is going to write on there will only hurt you. Whether she is posting her honest feelings or whether she is trying to sugarcoat how she feels, you will only find pain by seeing what she is up to.

Aside from that, it’s obvious that you should try to avoid going through your pictures with your ex-girlfriend. It is very tempting to look through the photos. Some guys who are in a lot of pain may even feel tempted to get rid of all pictures altogether. I don’t think it’s necessary but it certainly is something that will help you with moving on. At the very least, you should disable any features that remind you of an event or photo that happened X years ago. For example, Facebook, and Google photos both will remind you of photos that it thinks are special, so naturally, you want to turn off those features to not be reminded of things that hurt you.

This doesn’t even have to be about an ex-girlfriend… Let’s say you only broke up three weeks ago, and right now you’re going to new places, exploring new things, trying to recreate yourself, maybe you are taking a selfie with a friend here or there and doing your own version of convincing yourself that everything is fine.

Now, one year passes, and you will be reminded about that picture and you will realize that you haven’t fully healed from the pain, and this picture will only act as a reminder how painful your life was back then. Of course, you don’t need to disable those reminder features forever, but especially within the first 2 or 3 years of a breakup, they do more harm than good.

And lastly, it’s obviously a good idea to avoid going to places where you and your ex-girlfriend used to go. Restaurants. Parks. Places that you’d frequent, such as a place to walk your dog, in case you had one.  One of the big problems after a breakup is that we don’t know our own identity, and so for example, it’s been found that people tend to compare their new partners a lot with their exes. We look for our ex girlfriends in the things that we used to experience, and we subconsciously find our way back to the memories and experiences that brought us happiness. I’m sure it has happened to you multiple times that you thought that you just ran into your ex. You see your ex-girlfriend in every 10th woman or so who passes by, but of course, the odds that it was your ex-girlfriend are extremely low.

The hardest part about moving on after a breakup is staying disciplined to avoid the triggers that bring back the pain, emotions and love for your ex-girlfriend. When you have a breakup, you have to stick to your decision to move on strongly, and to not tempt yourself to give in to your pain and your feelings of longing for your ex-girlfriend. Most triggers can be avoided either by simple choices such as muting your ex, disabling reminder features, and consciously avoiding places that you know will remind you of her.

In fact, if you just had a breakup, I encourage you to explore new places and find new things that you enjoy! All beginnings are hard, but if you avoid the obvious triggers, it will become a lot easier. You won’t always be able to avoid all triggers, such as what happened with the song that started playing randomly at that coffee shop, but try to take as much control after the breakup as possible and I am sure you will recover soon enough. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time. Let me know in the comments how you feel about your breakup.