Unrealistic expectations of using the No Contact Rule when you want her back. It might be one of the biggest mistakes that guys make after a breakup. Or maybe it should be considered a misconception, not a mistake… If you’re thinking of doing no contact to make an ex miss you, then you’re probably asking yourself questions like…
Will she be back soon? Is she thinking about me? Does she miss me as much as I do? And well, all of those questions are normal, even if you’re not hoping to get back with your ex. But the problem that I’ve seen a lot with guys who are starting to use no contact to win an ex-girlfriend back, is that they often assume, that what they are feeling is exactly what their ex is feeling… And that… just almost never is the case. Especially right after a breakup, even more so if one of you initiated the breakup, instead of both at least sort of mutually agreeing to it.
And of course, when guys want their ex back, it’s quite often them who got broken up with… Or even if they broke up, they’re the ones now regretting it… So, often, the ex-girlfriend doesn’t feel the same about their ex-boyfriend… Quite often, there’s almost like a sigh of relief for women after breakups, even if they love the guy and really, really miss him and still love him.
And also, we can’t forget that women in general have different life experiences, different dating experiences, different experiences about their emotions, and more. Actually, it’s been studied that women struggle more with breakups than men… Which most guys usually can’t believe is true…
And well, there’s an interesting caveat here, of course. Women, on average, actually deal with negative emotions with less resilience. Basically, negative feelings hurt them more. They feel STRONGER to them. Which makes sense, women have a higher emotional quotient, so they are more in touch with their emotions than men. Women cry much more than men, and so on. There are plenty of studies on neuroticism, so the female tendency to experience negative emotions more vividly than men. So yea, women don’t cope well with breakups… IN THE BEGINNING. They have eating problems, sleep problems, very strong anxiety, and other mental health problems. They actually have more physical problems than men after breakups, like severe weight loss or eating problems.
But this fades really fast for women. For guys, it’s well, in theory not as bad, but men struggle a lot with getting over women. We may not have the same intensity of breakup pain as a woman, but the average duration of missing an ex is much longer. Also, of course, we can’t find a new girlfriend as easily as a woman can. A woman could start dating, line up 10 dates in a week, and after 2 weeks, she could be in a relationship again. Is that going to happen? Probably not, but it’s absolutely possible. For a man, that’s practically impossible.
So, clearly, you can see that men and women have VERY different experiences of breakups. But the hard part about a breakup is that we try to imagine that our pain is exactly the same pain that our ex-girlfriend is feeling. I’m sure many times you’ve been thinking about messaging her, thinking that she probably feels the same as you do, right? And maybe the problem is that neither of you want to message each other first? Something like that? Well, yea it just doesn’t work like that, unfortunately.
I’ve seen this a lot with my clients… Actually, most of the time, I would say, that women just move on so much quicker… And even though they may still have feelings for a guy, they’re often quite pragmatic about breakups because well, they could have a new guy easily. And women sometimes can be a little bit entitled about that.
I’m sure you are familiar with the “know your worth” cliche that women throw around all the time. I mean it literally became a slogan of the female beauty brand “Dove” back in the day. From a woman’s perspective, especially if she’s younger, she can find a new man who makes her feel that worth.
Actually, an interesting thing about a rebound study that I once read… Which, I believe is the only study I could ever find about rebound relationships whatsoever… And that study wasn’t even a rebound study, I just stumbled upon it so… You know, the data on this stuff is quite rare, but, women have different motivations for rebounds. The primary reason or benefit for women, is that a rebound makes them feel wanted and that it makes them better about themselves… For men, it did not have the same effect… So a woman feels good when a man “knows their worth”, so to speak…
So, yea, a lot of guys who want to do no contact, they do it with that mindset. They think to themselves that their experiences are practically mirror reflections, and so of course, this is why no contact can often backfire, or doesn’t create the right outcomes… Because, the reality is, very often, an ex girlfriend just doesn’t miss a man that much right after a breakup. Or at least, she’s ready to move on. Even though she may be wrong about that and realize that she’s not ready for it after some time.
That’s not to say that there AREN’T women who will miss their ex boyfriend like crazy, and those are of course the type of women who would reach out to an ex very quickly after a breakup. But generally speaking, if you’re thinking of doing no contact, and you’re buying into the hype of, give it 30 days, and she’s going to miss you, want to be back with you, ask you for another chance, or at least message you…
Well, that’s just not what’s going to happen in many cases. And this is of course why I wrote my book “No Contact Myth”… Not necessarily because no contact can’t work. It totally can. I actually explain the things that work in the book and what we can learn from it. That’s not the issue. The issue is, that men who discover the concept of no contact, tend to misunderstand it a lot.
And to be fair, that is because the majority of the advice, or marketing online about no contact… Is either a lie, oversimplified, or sometimes intentionally overcomplicated, but the bottom line is… a lot of the advice about the no contact rule, at the very least, let’s just say, it’s sugarcoated to portray the best-case scenario. And that, of course, is irresponsible… And it’s a part of the reason why guys fall into this trap in the first place, of thinking, well, I’m in so much pain right now, what do I do?… And then you have content online that assures them almost 100% that their ex is about to miss them. And then guys get stuck in this false-expectations trap.
But the reality is that you and your ex will have vastly different experiences. While you’re probably spending a lot of alone time, she’s probably out with friends. While you’re not going on dates, she’s going on dates. While you’re feeling lost and alone, she has plenty of female friends, and lots of guys, who will give her lots of attention so she doesn’t have to feel alone… At least temporarily.
The moral of the story here is that you shouldn’t use no contact because you want to make her miss you the same way as you do… That’s basically what guys want when they’re using no contact… Essentially, the goal is to make her want to get back with them, as much as they can’t live without her. And that is absolutely the wrong mindset. Your goal should be to get into the same mental framework like a woman after a breakup.
I know that it’s extremely hard to get the same outcomes like a woman, especially when you’re feeling so lonely, but the best thing you could do is to try and be outgoing, to meet new people, to start new hobbies, and so on. And yea, that is definitely not easy. Nobody is going to throw opportunities in your lap as a man. No woman is going to approach you. Nobody is going to give you extra attention after a breakup… Actually, it’s probably the opposite. You will look defeated, and you’ll have to try extra hard to not feel like shit after the breakup. I know that’s not fair, but you should focus on this anyway. Fight like hell.
You should try to get your life back on track, even without her. It’s really difficult to do so, but it is better to try doing this, than hoping that your ex-girlfriend will start to miss you just as much as you do. If she does start to feel that way, or is already feeling that way, that’s great… You’ll probably hear from her soon, and then you take it from there, and hopefully get back together.
But if that’s not the case, then you can’t just do wishful thinking, count the days that she’s gone, and ask yourself these questions like is she missing you as much as you are missing her. Maybe, maybe not… But what I can guarantee you is that she’s going to feel much happier in a few months from now, while you’re busy obsessing over these questions.
I actually have one study in my book, about the fading affect bias, where I analyze why the fading affect works better for women than for men, as in… not better to no longer hate their ex, but rather, better to feel happier after a breakup. And without wanting to spoil all the info in the book, basically, women cope better with breakups. They spend more time with their girl friends. They essentially process the pain more efficiently.
And so, shortly after a breakup, they’re back on their feet. If your ex really misses you, you probably will hear from her soon, or you should have heard from her already. Whatever case it will be, you should follow the same approach of focusing on yourself. Don’t create a lot of scenarios in your head, trying to compare your feelings with how she’s feeling. You can’t know that anyway, because you can’t read her mind. And anything that she is posting on social media are only highlight reels of all the good stuff. So go no contact for yourself so you can start to feel the same renewed peace like many women feel it after a short while after the breakup. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time, until we make contact again.
