Taking the first steps to get over a breakup depression. How can you do it? Real breakup depression can be awful and it’s hard to describe to somebody who’s never been truly depressed what it feels like to be severely depressed, or at the brink of becoming severely depressed. Breakups are one of the most dangerous scenarios where it’s easy to fall into depression, so if you are feeling completely stuck, perhaps with no hope, no drive, no energy, let’s talk about it here.

Hey guys, welcome back to the Breakup Corner, I’m Andi Galster, and here I teach men how to move on from their ex-girlfriend. So yea, some of you guys might be severely depressed because of your breakup. And with depressed, I really mean that you’re not just quite sad, crying, heartbroken, thinking about your ex-girlfriend a lot, etc. but perhaps it’s gotten even a little bit worse than that, where it practically developed to an almost full depression where you no longer feel any energy to achieve anything. Maybe it’s early on, or you’ve been feeling like this for a long time. 

And now you’re in a stage of your life where not only do you still miss your ex-girlfriend, but your life in general has also gone downhill to a stage where you might be embarrassed about the way you feel. For sure, you feel alone. You feel like you don’t belong to anyone any longer. Maybe you are ashamed of yourself and think that you are far more depressed than other people, and you think that as a man, you’re supposed to deal with your own things, and overall, the state of your life is something that you wouldn’t want anybody to know.

I really get that feeling. Breakups can be really rough. Even if you tried to find a lot of enthusiasm and positivity after your breakup, it’s still possible to have setbacks, fail at some future goals, or just not be able to get back on your feet properly. And the longer your streak of a bad life after a breakup lasts, the harder it becomes to get out of the situation. Sometimes, it feels like you can’t do anything. Nothing has helped. And after your ex-girlfriend left you, your life just got worse and worse. 

I think the first step to take, is to gain some perspective on the entire situation. We always compare ourselves to others. After the breakup, we immediately compare ourselves to our ex-girlfriend and we measure her happiness and compare it to our own… And that, usually doesn’t work. Women heal faster than men after breakups, and they really all out with living life to the fullest and showing that on social media. So that would only make you feel worse. And after some time, you’d probably feel like you weren’t good enough. Not even just for the relationship… 

But rather, not being able to be happy again after a breakup can make you question whether there was something wrong with you. Why are you so different from your ex-girlfriend, or others, who can just keep going with their lives? But for you, somehow, somewhere along the way, you got stuck and now you don’t know the way out. Are you weak? Pathetic? Is it ridiculous that you’re the only one struggling so bad after the breakup? I mean, look at all these other people who got their life back in order. But you, you’re different. You failed to get back on track. You’re a pitiful person. I’m sorry to say some of these bad things, I don’t mean to imply any of this is true. But this is how it can feel when you become depressed and extremely lonely after a breakup. No man feels proud of his vulnerable mental state, especially when comparing it with other people. 

So, the first step is to stop all of this comparing yourself to other people. We somehow always think that happiness is a zero-sum game, as if we have to be happier than everybody else. This is actually also a common misconception with exes. We always want to outshine each other in our happiness after the breakup. But really, every man and woman struggles with their own demons. You never know what someone is going through, and everybody else’s lives aren’t as great as you might think. It’s Ok to be somewhere in your own journey where you are starting from scratch with your life. Actually, most people probably have to rebuild their lives once or twice in their lifetimes. Some have breakups, others have to shut down a business, others lose a big investment, and so on. 

I think a key reason why it’s so hard to be depressed and, in general, being sad and unable to cope with a breakup, is the reality that most people don’t care… In a sense. Let me explain. Of course, our closest friends care about us. But the truth is, a lot of people often can’t even see that we’re depressed or sad. That can feel pretty rough at times. It can make you feel alone, and that you’re just getting weaker and weaker, and it sometimes feels as if you’re becoming more distant and different from people who seem to be doing just fine. But it’s also the reason why taking the first steps for overcoming depression isn’t really the hard part in my opinion. 

The hard part is allowing yourself to just try to live and enjoy life, without the need for being perfect, or trying to convince yourself that you need to somehow convince other people that you are happy. That’s a personal mindset and choice problem. It’s really about overcoming your own fears, and your own false beliefs about yourself. 

As I said, most people can’t even figure out how you’re feeling. They can’t read your mind. Most people genuinely think that you’re happy when they see you in the moment, because when you’re just casually talking to a person, sitting down for a coffee, doing some activity like being in the pool together, and so on, you probably won’t feel sad or lonely. 

I think a lot of depression after a breakup is created all in our head. We get sad because of the woman that we lost, and then we lose some of the connection with the real world, with our friends, with the things that used to matter to us — and then we believe that we’re unable to get these things back. But all the things that used to make you happy in the past, before your breakup, and even before you met your ex-girlfriend… They can still make you happy in the exact same way. 

Believe me, I understand the struggle of depression, and the feeling of waking up, having no drive and energy to try something new for the day that could maybe make me feel better. I have gone through cycles where I have been very low energy, and nothing seemed to work… And then something random happens… A great conversation. A great attempt to try something new, like making new business connections, trying a new idea, or meeting someone… Or at times, it’s just the random good talk with a barista at a coffee shop. Even the most random things can often get you back into a good mood… And then, of course… It fades again a few hours later, or maybe in the next morning. That can feel extremely depressing, but it also proves that we have the ability to feel happy instantly when we are exposed to good experiences.

So, in my opinion, a good way, possibly the easiest way to take a first real step to get out of a strong breakup depression, is to try and do something that doesn’t require massive amounts of interaction with people. For example, Ok, my male brain is going to activate for a second. There’s nothing better than going to a yoga class. It’s relaxing. Maybe even physically challenging depending on the class. There are lots of beautiful women. And perhaps you will strike up some brief conversations after the class. I’d often have random conversations after a session with both men and women after a yoga session. But overall, people just come and go. You’re part of something, the small yoga studio community, but not really that much. You’re just sharing the same activity or space for a common interest.

I am sure there are plenty of other activities that would come to mind that would be more aligned with your interests. Maybe it’s being out in the ocean. Or being at the skatepark. Or being at a comic club, playing a trading card game or a tabletop game. It doesn’t matter so much what it is. What matters is that you normalize living your life among people. It’s not even about making a ton of friends, becoming the most liked person in the room, and being the man with the highest social status. It’s simply about showing yourself that you can still live your life, even if you feel depressed. Is it a perfect life, and will it take more effort to get to a better life in the long-run? Absolutely. 

But everything has to start somewhere, and if you feel like you can’t start at all, or you don’t know where to start, then start in a way that has practically zero expectations that go along with it. Don’t try to be outgoing at parties, or trying to be attractive to women on dating apps. Just do something that you could enjoy. And from there, you can start to try the next small thing that feels comfortable to you, until you push the boundaries and get back to a happy life.

I won’t lie, if you are severely depressed, depending on your determination, that entire process could take you 2 or 3 years. Or it could literally only take you 3 months, with the right dedication and decision-making. But no matter how long it takes, as long as you take the first step, someday, you’ll be fine again, and you’ll overcome your heartbreak and your depression. 

The most important thing is to start somewhere, not compare yourself with others, and also, realize that most people don’t judge you for your struggles. Any person who would know that you’re feeling depressed, would have compassion with the pain and the loneliness that you had to deal with. Actually, when I was in my early 20s, I moved to the Philippines. And before that, I was a bit depressed and lonely. Maybe it had to do a little with my previous relationship, maybe it was a bit due to bullying and social awkwardness.

But when I arrived in the Philippines, I practically knew NOBODY, but I did SO MANY things there, and I made 100s of friends in less than a year. I met so many people, got active in the local communities, and practically overnight, I started to have a new happy life. Sometimes, a few happy impulses can drastically change your life for the better, and as soon as you find that one thing that gives you a lot of energy and excitement, and of course, lots of fun and happiness, well, then you won’t even remember all the bad things, the heartbreak, and all the loneliness and the feelings of emptiness.

So go for the low-hanging fruit of an activity that you can feel comfortable with, where you don’t have to worry too much about how you look, or your fear of feeling like an outsider or outcast because you know that you’re feeling very depressed and others might be doing better than you. You might enjoy being around those people, and you don’t need to pressure yourself to be as happy as some of them might be.

And then, step by step, try to take bolder steps and become more outgoing, once you’ve learned that people don’t really look at you and see you as a depressed person. To them, you’re just a guy. Probably a nice guy with whom they can have a great conversation. And in time, you’ll probably have shifted your social circle and your socializing habits and patterns in a drastic way, that right now, probably would seem impossible. I know you can make those changes. And you don’t have to achieve all of it in one go.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time.