The no contact rule as a strategy to get an ex-girlfriend back. Why do I think that it is often a really bad strategy? Well, let me explain. It’s theoretically a great strategy, or let’s say, it’s a great mindset… But, way too often, I’ve seen that many men used it as a strategy, and a poorly executed one at that, rather than using it like a mindset.
I’ve worked with 100s of men who had breakups, and very often, or well, predominantly actually, they wanted to get back together with an ex-girlfriend. And in principle, I think this is a great idea. I’m a big proponent of healthy relationship habits and clear communication. If you look at some of the science of happy relationships, relationship therapy, and so on, you’ll see that, well, practically every couple HAS problems. No relationship is perfect, or even close to it.
And what’s fascinating, of course, is that actually, when you use the right communication strategies, and assuming that you and your girlfriend learn how to understand each other better, you are almost guaranteed to be able to fix a relationship that has turned bad. That is, assuming that you both do things right and work together as a team, with understanding for each other’s perspectives.
And then, of course, let’s not forget the fact that relationships and marriages are more likely to fail the more often that we have a partner. In a best case scenario, you would only have one partner. Simplified speaking. It makes sense, after all, if you just always jump ship, or keep on failing with the same patterns in every new relationship, then you’re not really gaining anything. You’re just digging yourself a deeper hole every time that you get into a new relationship.
So, then why do I think that no contact to get an ex-girlfriend back is often a disaster waiting to happen? Well, it’s because I’ve SEEN it happen in my coaching sessions with plenty of my clients. Of course, I talk about some of these experiences in my book, including plenty of breakup science in general. No contact can definitely be a great approach, even to get back with an ex-girlfriend, but the question really is whether men, and I’m sure, also plenty of women, do it the right way. And I think I can say without any questionable doubt, that the average man does NOT use the right approach.
So, what’s the right approach? Let me just paraphrase how I see the correct no contact approach. This is actually what I used to teach as well, kind of like a mantra, so here’s how I would describe it:
Going no contact will not be used to re-attract my ex-girlfriend. I will go no contact so that I can rebuild my life, feel good about myself again, and manage to find my way back to the inspiring man that I used to be. The current pain, the setbacks, and my feelings of inadequacy are only temporary and I will rise from the ashes to become stronger and wiser.
That’s roughly how you should see no contact. But of course, the problem is that most people who want to get back with an ex-girlfriend, prioritize their ex-girlfriend, and more importantly, there tends to be a focus on specific timeframes, or like, let’s call it deadlines that are supposed to signify that an ex-girlfriend is supposed to come back.
Some people want to believe that after exactly 30 days, their ex-girlfriend is supposed to come back. I never taught no contact this way, and of course, that is a really naive expectation. Just because an ex-girlfriend can miss you, and will often reach out to you, there’s really no guarantee when that is going to happen. And on top of that, sometimes, exes come back way too late, when you should have already long moved on with your life, instead of hoping and waiting.
And then, the other type of, in quotes, “deadline”, is to see no contact as this period where you end all contact with your ex, and of course, the intent is to make her miss you. Some guys WILL work on themselves during that time, others won’t. But among those who work on themselves, they do it for their ex-girlfriend, not for themselves. And then they have arbitrary measurements that they see as signs that it’s time that their ex-girlfriend is supposed to be back now.
Like, some guys try to look happier on social media, or they try to work out and look more attractive again, to give off the impression that they are happy without her. But of course, first of all, that’s a facade, if you’re only doing all of that to impress her. And secondly, just because you have achieved thing X that makes you look more attractive, happy, energetic, or whatever, that also doesn’t mean that your ex-girlfriend will now magically get in touch with you. She might actually never get in touch with you. I mean, what if she just hasn’t looked at your social media for a long time?
Or even if she does message you, there are all kinds of reasons why you don’t get back together. Some of them you might regret, others will actually be good reasons to you in hindsight.
And this is why the whole idea of using no contact specifically to get an ex-girlfriend back is a futile endeavor. I really, really tried hard to teach men to NOT follow this approach, but I tell you, there are so few guys who actually saw it like this during our coaching sessions. And there was always a common thread between those guys who did things right, versus those who were just obsessed with ways to get their ex-girlfriends back.
I guess the simplest way to describe it was inner happiness and peace of mind. I could literally feel the difference between those men who were simply growing, introspecting, and creating a new path for themselves, versus those who only had one interest: To finally hit the milestone, the long-awaited moment when their ex-girlfriend would come back. And, so, I’ve essentially seen that there are two types of ways how men can do no contact:
There are those who wait, and pause their life for their ex-girlfriend, practically indefinitely, until they finally accepted that she’s probably no longer coming back, or, maybe she’ll be back but probably in the most random moment, most likely when some other relationship hasn’t worked out for her…
Or, then there are those men who understand that they can’t put their life on hold just for the hope that they could get back with their ex-girlfriend. And trust me, I really have sympathy with this wish. I have been on coaching calls with guys, and man… It was rough to listen to some of those stories. I’ll never forget that one guy, who had a fiance, and they split up, and she eventually went to work in Europe for some… I think it was a hair dresser training or something like that. Like some businessy stuff. Something about fashion or beauty. I’m not 100% sure exactly what it was anymore, but anyway, she basically was pursuing what she thought would be best for her life. And seeing a story like that is difficult. You really feel for your clients when you can see how much their life has derailed, and the feeling of sudden chaos and no longer knowing what to do.
And that client of mine is a really good example of how to do things right. He REALLY hoped he could fix things. They were a tight couple, had been together for several years, and they were already at the point where they thought they would get married. But when we were on our coaching calls, we were NOT talking about thing X to say or do, to communicate with the ex and to mend things. There was no way to do any of that for the time being anyway. I mean, he knew that she was going to come back to the US again after that training, which was supposed to go on for about a year. But did he just wait around?
Nope, that client of mine did NOT pause his life. He understood that the thing that he should do is reflect on the way that things went wrong. Why did she even leave and prioritize that over a long-term relationship? Why not just try to make it work long distance for one year? We spent a lot of time talking about his thoughts about the relationship, the breakup, and what he wanted to do moving forward.
That guy was amazing. I really vibed with that guy, I guess we had a very similar mindset. He was an analytical guy, just like me. A very thoughtful guy. Very methodical, rational, trying to make sense of things. He didn’t think that he’s winning his ex-fiance back. Sure, of course, HE booked his initial coaching session to talk with me about how I saw his situation, but moving forward, both him and I didn’t focus on his ex-girlfriend at all. We focused on how he could move to the next stage of his life.
And, as it turns out, he was one of the guys where he didn’t get back with his ex, although, she did actually get in touch with him, but by that time, he felt that he was supposed to explore other things, like traveling and enjoying the remote work opportunities. That was around the height of remote work of covid, and he made the most out of life back then.
Could this guy have gotten back with his fiance? Yea, probably. The point here isn’t even about whether or not it is a good or bad idea to get back with an ex-girlfriend. It really depends so much on every individual situation and the factors at play… Like how she comes back to you, when, and so on. The point here is that he did NOT pause his life for her.
His life continued, or rather, he restarted it. He was stuck and heartbroken back then, but he didn’t cling to any false hope. He took control of his life, and decided that the best way forward was to make sense of all the pain he was going through. And, I think that was the right approach for him. Whether he would have gotten back with his fiance or not, it’s really irrelevant.
What matters about this story, was that he didn’t go through that “pause your life” disaster, that I’ve seen with far too many men, who always get stuck in the same cycle, of false hope, of looking for signs, and not actually learning from the things that went wrong.
We really can’t get back what we’ve lost with an ex-girlfriend anyway. At best, you would create something new, something better. Sure, you would work through the relationship problems, but effectively, when two people get back together, it’s not like they are going to repeat the same old bad patterns and habits… Or well, at least they shouldn’t. In the best scenario, they actually have a forward-looking approach, where they work to establish better couple habits, not trying to repeat the past that wasn’t perfect anyway.
So, anyway, that was my second post, and wow, that one was much longer than the first one. The bottom line is, no matter what choice you make moving forward with your breakup and your ex-girlfriend, don’t put your life on pause. Live life, because life’s short, and you should enjoy as many moments as possible. I speak from experience… Not related to an ex-girlfriend, but about another traumatic life experience.
Trust me, it’s better to live life one day at a time without regrets when looking back. And, if you liked this post, perhaps you will appreciate my book, which is of course, a lot based on my experience working with men during coaching sessions, but what I’m especially proud of, is that it’s an extremely scientific look at breakups, and it talks about, for example, why men are inclined to bad habits like pausing their lives and putting it all on hold for their ex-girlfriend.
So, anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time, until we make contact again.
