No Contact Ex Back Entitlement… It’s a dark aspect of wanting to get back together with an ex-girlfriend that I’ve seen in my work with men several times. Before I explain this, just a reminder if you don’t know my channel: I used to work with men who wanted to get back with their ex-girlfriends, and it’s actually that experience that inspired me to write my book “No contact Myth”, because there are certain dark patterns, or perhaps we could also just call them anti-patterns that I’ve seen quite a lot of times.
So, those are certain patterns that are not good for you, or they may even not be good for your relationship with your ex-girlfriend, if there’s actually a chance of getting back together again. I’ve seen those specific patterns over and over in many of my clients.
And that really made me question whether the average man who has gone through a breakup, or maybe more specifically, a man who wants his ex-girlfriend back, can actually use the no contact rule in the way it’s intended to be used.
First off, how is it actually intended to be used? Well, the idea, simplified speaking, is to cut off contact with an ex-girlfriend, to stop chasing her, and then get your act together, recover from the breakup pain, and, perhaps, in the process, after all the dust has settled, maybe, just maybe, it makes sense to give the relationship another try.
But in hindsight, while this approach works, though it depends a lot on your breakup situation as well, there are certain underlying psychological principles that affect only those types of men who want their ex-girlfriend back. Maybe “only” is a bit of an overstatement, but the majority of guys who want their ex-girlfriend back, somewhat all fall into the same category.
These psychological principles are, by the way, backed by scientific studies. Studies have shown that not everybody experiences their breakups in the same way. In particular, men, but also women, who want their ex-partners back, usually fall into a very insecure attachment style category. And that insecure personality trait is usually what triggers most of the anti-patterns.
I suppose, while I don’t want to dive too deep into that psychology for this specific video, the shortest way to describe it, is that some men struggle a lot more with losing an ex-girlfriend than others. And so, when you’re the type of guy who has a personality type that automatically makes it more likely that you want your ex-girlfriend back, there will be certain behaviors and thought patterns that will basically repeat like on autopilot after a breakup.
And one of those patterns that I’ve seen, is what I would like to call “No Contact Ex Back Entitlement”. Ok, so what is ex back entitlement? Well, it’s as the name suggests… When you’re entitled to something, you expect something specific to happen. You might even think that it is SUPPOSED to happen because you DESERVE it to happen. To give you some non-breakup related examples…
A woman may feel entitled that a guy dates her even if she keeps on posting herself half-naked on Instagram in every 2nd picture, which does scream a bit like desperate need for attention and validation. And a man may feel entitled to women not ghosting him after the first date, even though he’s insecure and not in good physical shape. You can’t just get things in life just because you think you deserve them. You actually have to earn the things you want. So that’s one form of entitlement.
And then, of course, there’s the second form of entitlement… A girl can be very decent and not make those types of validation seeking posts all the time, and a guy could be quite fit… And despite that, they still won’t get a girlfriend or boyfriend. Life’s just not always fair. You are not entitled to get your way.
Yes, of course, if you work hard, and design your life in a way that SHOULD reap you rewards, then you SHOULD get good results, and you likely will, but of course, there’s no guarantee if, or when it happens. And sometimes, a little bit of luck is part of all of it as well. And if or when it doesn’t happen, you can’t just throw a tantrum or be removed from reality. It is what it is. Sometimes, you just don’t get what you want, and you have to accept that, and keep going.
Ok, so what kind of entitlement did I see in my clients? Well, I guess I’ll start off with the most obvious, worst kind of entitlement that I’ve ever seen from a guy… And to be fair, I’ve mostly seen that kind of extreme behavior only in the beginning, when I was brand new as a relationship and breakup coach. So, not everybody who wants their ex girlfriend back acts or thinks like that.
But when I was brand new, and I was just starting out to find my first clients, man, I really attracted some pretty shady kind of guys. Guys who clearly didn’t deserve to be back with their ex-girlfriends, because they were controlling, manipulative, and didn’t really love their ex-girlfriend. It was sometimes more about pride, hurt egos, the need for control, and so on… I really HATED those types of clients. And I will never forget one of the first coaching calls I ever had… Actually, I think it may have been the first one, I’m not 100% sure anymore. But I think so.
I was on a call with this rich kid from the UK, he was… Just an utter idiot. Boastful, impulsive, way too much in love with himself, and already running a huge advertising agency at a really young age… Of course, the money came from daddy. Something just absolutely rubbed me the wrong way about his personality. And it wasn’t about the fact that he was confident. At this point in my life, believe me, I’ve met all kinds of strong or boastful personalities during my time living in Bali. There was just something really unlikable about the guy. Like he thought he was the most amazing guy who had ever lived… And of course, he believed that his ex girlfriend was supposed to come back to him.
But of course, especially because I was new to all of it, I didn’t want to judge. I wanted to help him see where things went wrong, what he could do, how he should reflect on the situation. So I carefully listened to what went wrong… And, I’m really having a hard time recalling what exactly happened between them, but I think if I remember it correctly, he became too possessive and pushy with his girlfriend, and then she got really turned off and she just didn’t want to be with him anymore. I think his overall asshole attitude slowly made her want to leave him and then he made it worse with the controlling behavior.
And I could really get the idea, because I could just FEEL that he always needed to be the one who controls every situation. Even in the call, it felt like I was talking against a wall, and he was on the call to tell me how HE saw the breakup, and if I gave him my perspective what he did wrong, or what he should rethink in his approach, he would find reasons why he should ignore what I had to say… And ultimately, it all was always leading back to the idea that his girlfriend HAD to come back to him. He DESERVED it. She SHOULD come back to him. Even if he screwed up a bit, she was supposedly unreasonable for not just forgiving him and giving things another shot.
Anyway, you get the idea… I think I don’t even need to explain anything further. The guy was absolutely insufferable and by the end of the call, *laugh* he utterly convinced me that he DESERVED not to get back together with his ex-girlfriend… And… That is a pretty wild thing to say… I’m very patient, I’ve always tried to listen carefully to all my clients, and I think it’s probably accurate to say, that even with the clients of mine where things really went wrong in all kind of ways, I never felt that the guy that I was on a call with was a bad person, or that he got what he deserved, and so on. So this guy was on a different level. Now, obviously, that means that he was a very, very extreme example of how being entitled to get your ex girlfriend back, is a bad mindset.
But, in general, I think that this way of thinking is not too different from other thought patterns that I’ve seen in most of my clients. Sure, he was very extreme, and he was a total dick, but many of my male clients had something in common:
They believed that their ex-girlfriend coming back was supposed to happen. And this, is of course, why there is so much content on YouTube that implies that an ex-girlfriend can be stubborn when trying to re-attract her… You know, as in, the idea is… Why is she so stubborn? Why won’t she come back already?…
I ever only made one video on YouTube about this topic, and of course, that video implied that something like a stubborn ex-girlfriend doesn’t exist, or it’s not a good mindset to have…
But this idea is repeated over and over on YouTube… And it always makes guys believe that, well, she’s just a little stubborn, just give it some time, she’ll come around eventually. Well, since we were on the topic of a guy from the UK… To quote a good friend of mine who’s from the UK: That’s horseshit!
I guess this really sums up nicely why I wrote my book, and why I stopped coaching about no contact reattraction advice. It’s exactly because of this problem. Guys who want their ex-girlfriend back, in their heartbreak and desperation, they need to hear this kind of stuff. They want to be told that they deserve their ex-girlfriend to come back. They need to hear that she’s stubborn, and that she is almost over the anger and frustration. And of course, there is a lot of truth in that.
Obviously, an ex-girlfriend will calm down after a short while, and she may even miss you and reach out to you, but there are no guarantees for anything in life… As they say, the only thing guaranteed in life is death. Even the “good guys” with good intentions, who are only clinging to hope, and absolutely would deserve to get back together with their ex-girlfriend, will fall into this entitlement trap, where they start to believe that simply because they’re doing no contact, their ex is supposed to be back very soon.
This is why guys will ask themselves… Why won’t she message me? Why is she so stubborn? Why isn’t she back YET? Well, obviously, there is no YET. Who knows if she will EVER be back? There’s no guarantee for that. Initially, the first draft idea for my book was actually to call it “No Contact Scam”… And maybe that title would have been more accurate. But I didn’t want to run into issues with marketing the book, like Amazon or Google blocking ads that include the word scam.
But yea, I really believe that many breakup coaches KNOW that they are selling lies to their clients. You can’t really blame the guy, who’s feeling extremely lost without his ex-girlfriend, for holding on to the hope, especially if every 2nd or 3rd video is telling them that there’s a guarantee that their ex-girlfriend will be back. And if not, then hey, book a coaching session with me. And then repeat the cycle over and over until you give up.
You know, the story of the bad client… I intentionally stopped myself from onboarding those clients, and over time, my clientele really improved a lot. And in general, most of my clients only needed 2 or 3 coaching sessions with me. Not because they always got back with their ex-girlfriend, but because usually, due to our approach of focusing on themselves and recovering from the pain, they kind of just went back to living their lives and overcoming the grief.
And this is definitely the right approach. I’ve had SOME clients, who went into this loop of endless no contact reflection and strategizing, they bought 3 systems orcourses, booked several coaches at the same time, binged 100s if not 1000s of videos, and just never stopped and asked themselves: What am I doing with my life? Is this a good idea?
I really get it, that if you want your ex-girlfriend back, or even a fiance, or the mother of your child, obviously, you will do ANYTHING to make that happen. It actually makes sense in some cases. But I’ve also seen guys, who just became too entitled, and thought that if only they kept on going, and tried one more approach, one more “right message”, that they will finally break through their ex-girlfriend’s defenses… That’s just not how this all works. Anyway, man, I guess this video is already really long… I keep on getting longer with these videos. I am sure, you understand the message that I am trying to convey with the video…
Don’t feel entitled that your ex-girlfriend is supposed to come back to you. Even if you were the most amazing guy, and okay, maybe you made some mistakes, but overall, there are so many good reasons why she should be back together with you, you can never force anybody to love you. And so, the best way to do no contact is to maybe let go of the thought of trying to get back together with her in the first place. Because if you just focus on your own healing process, get out of the dark place that you’re in, and begin to live life in small steps again, who knows, maybe your ex-girlfriend will message you anyway in 2 months from now. And you used that time to feel better, become more rational, and then you’re actually in a much better place to assess if it even is a good idea to still get back together or not.
Plus, on top of that, even in the cases where the probability of getting back together is very high, and quite preferred, you just can’t push your ex-girlfriend, or expect her to “just not be so stubborn”, and just get over herself already. Even if you’ve done all the hard work to do better what you may have done wrong, maybe you read a bunch of books about relationships and genuinely have made a lasting change, or at least, you set the groundwork for it, that still doesn’t entitle you to your ex-girlfriend wanting to be back together with you.
So, the best approach is really to let go of all the entitlement thoughts that you should be given another chance with your ex-girlfriend. It’s not wrong or bad to have some hope. It WOULD be nice if your relationship can still be fixed. But there are no guarantees. So, anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time, until we make contact again.
