Is there music that helps you get over a breakup? Hmm, let’s find out! Hey guys, welcome back to the Breakup Corner, I’m Andi Galster. Here I teach men how to move on from their ex-girlfriends. 

Now, this post is a little bit of an outlier of my usual content. Some people probably would consider the question by itself to already be pseudo-science, irrelevant, hocuspocus or weird yogic ideals such as chakra healing the body — but anyway, let’s ask the question anyways: Can listening to certain types of music help you with getting over a breakup?

When people listen to music after a breakup, it’s probably safe to say that most of them will listen to sad love songs. You know what I’m talking about. The songs about waiting forever for the girl, how much longer do I have to wait for you, songs about second chances, or about grateful but painful goodbyes, and so on.

One song that I listened to all the time, and even after years, still associated with my ex, was this song by Colbie Caillat, called “I Never Told You”, which is about Colbie wishing she would have told him that she missed him. She’s thinking she made a mistake, and misses everything about him. And she dreams about him and she can barely sleep. I would listen to that song and imagine that this is what my ex-girlfriend was feeling. Maybe she was, who knows? But thinking about this was a waste of time, because what matters was that she never said it. And most likely, she just didn’t care about me considering how she had treated our breakup.

Or another one that I would listen to by Colbie, is “Never Getting Over You”, which… well… you can probably imagine what it’s about. It resonated so much with me because the song is about an ex wanting an easy, quick way out, while the other person feels as they will never get over that person, no matter how many years will pass. It feels good to listen to those songs… You feel like somebody truly understands you.

But is it a good idea to listen to these types of songs? Well, it’s complicated. I would argue that generally, it is not a good idea to listen to these songs, because they clearly have a message and a mood that is nostalgic, negative, with a backwards-looking attitude that wants to literally make you hold on. I’m not saying this is the intent of the artists, obviously. It’s just… pouring your heart and soul out on paper. But this aspect of love songs that makes us stay stuck on our usually painful memories is not exactly beneficial for moving on and being positive.

And I also want to point out some interesting data that I found while working on my latest, most scientific book… It’s not a breakup book, more a book about general principles for men… And one chapter is about dealing with hardships and crying… I found lots of data that suggests that intentionally crying as a man is NOT a good idea. Crying actually makes you more sad and depressed, even though it feels good in the moment and yes, it gives you a temporary mood or emotion boost after a short while… But it doesn’t last, and only makes it worse in the long-term. And obviously, sad love songs will make you cry like crazy, so, that’s definitely a negative aspect of these types of songs.

However, of course, we’re only human. I’m not telling you to never listen to these songs. That’s unrealistic, and a good cry at times is necessary to process our emotions.

It’s human nature to emphasize and relate to sad love songs. They make us feel like we’re not alone, that somebody understands us, that other people shared the same pain as we do — which is an important beneficiary factor after a breakup, when we feel the most vulnerable and the loneliest.

So, in a sense, I do actually think that listening to sad love songs can help you heal and process your emotions. Listening to sad love songs is almost like a ritual, and rituals have been studied to help with anxiety relief.

But, generally speaking, I would suggest all of you to make an effort to not only listen to negative or sad love songs. If you’ve ever been in an extremely good mood, then you know how you can boost that mood even higher if you’re listening to a “feel good” playlist on Spotify that contains the most energetic, upbeat songs that you enjoy listening to.

Technically, songs that would talk negatively about your ex would also work, e. g. I’m thinking of a song like “You Suck At Love” by Simple Plan, but let’s be real, not all exes suck at love, nor should you necessarily hate an ex if you didn’t have a terribly drama-filled relationship. But anyway, for those of you who had a really bad breakup and a bad girlfriend, these kinds of songs may be worth a listen to.

In short, I think that you should consciously keep track of how often you are listening to sad love songs. I can’t remember how often I listened to Colbie “I Never Told You” song, imagining that my ex was the one feeling and thinking the way Colbie sings the lyrics. It must have been 1000 of times over the first 2 years since the breakup. But of course, my ex never said “I never told you”… She messaged me occasionally with vague confusing messages, but that was everything I got from her, and that just made it worse. And then, listening to these songs, trying to think about what it meant that she was reaching out to me, only made things worse. Eventually, I had to face reality that my ex girlfriend didn’t care about me, and worse, only cared about using me.

While we can find a lot of comfort in sad love songs, they can also keep us trapped in a cycle of playing out sad or hopeful scenarios of reunion, second chances, and so on, over and over. It makes you imagine and hope for things that will likely never happen. And while you’re doing that, you’re busy with your thoughts, rather than being active and doing something to really feel better… Working hard on a new business idea. Or even just volunteering, meeting people, and having a good time. Or maybe, it’s learning a new hobby. Whatever it is, you could spend your time with more positivity that moves you forward in life.

I’d rather have you listen to a high-energy playlist, hit the gym, and start having a good time. Even if that may be hard to do in the beginning, with time, you’ll show up at the gym and the positive music will get your heart pumping, and your body moving almost as if it’s dancing with a positive outlook on life.

So, be careful with the sad love songs and don’t overdo it. I’m sure all of you will randomly listen to love songs almost on autopilot, and that’s fine. Just make sure to also consciously work on building up a few high energy playlists that put you in a good mood, and try to listen to them consciously, especially when you’re trying to get things done, or when you’re starting new exciting things in life, such as hitting the gym, working on a new project, going for a run, and so on.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time.