How to stop caring about your ex girlfriend after all of this time? It is so hard to move on after a breakup because you’ve created so many memories, and a large part of you probably doesn’t want to stop caring about her. It almost feels like it’s wrong or unethical to stop caring about your ex-girlfriend. Moving on doesn’t seem to be the right thing after a breakup. And even if you are trying hard to let go, you may still struggle. So how can you possibly move on from your ex and pretend like the relationship never happened? Let’s talk about it.

Hey guys, welcome back to the Breakup Corner, I’m Andi Galster, and here I teach men how to move on from their ex-girlfriend. So guys, how are you doing? You’re probably feeling terrible, so to most of you, the goal of stopping to care about your ex-girlfriend probably seems like an impossibility. In Germany, we’d say it’s a “Ding der Unmoeglichkeit,” a thing of impossibility. I’m sure most of you are thinking about your ex-girlfriend all the time and you don’t know how to stop doing so.

I know how tough it is to be all by yourself and miss her so much. When you’re alone after a breakup, even when you are with your friends, or at work, or during lunch break with your co-workers, often it’s as if you can’t stop yourself from thinking about her no matter what is going on in your life. And I won’t even sugarcoat this, the first few weeks to months will be the hardest. This is why it is so crucial to find meaningful ways to not only distract yourself, but really find new ways of living life in a way that gives you deep enjoyment, new passions in life, and to do things that give you purpose in life.

Actually, speaking of purpose, I do think that the value of volunteering can never be understated. No matter what period of your life you’re going through, there is always something great to be gained from taking time out of your schedule, and dedicating your time and energy towards helping others. It is in the activities that put us in the zone and makes us genuinely forget our ex-girlfriend and our pain for a moment, where we feel more connected with ourselves than we feel like we miss the connection that we had with our ex-girlfriend.

It’s the mundaneness, or the lack of stimulation that can make you go crazy after a breakup because you keep on drifting back with your thoughts towards your ex-girlfriend. For example, this is why, although I suggest you do a high intensity sport, especially such as hitting the gym, there are certain sports that I think are worse for you than others after a breakup. If you are more the athletic type of guy and prefer stamina sports like running or bicycle riding, then you probably already have figured out how difficult it is to not think about your ex-girlfriend during a run.

Even if you’re going for a run in the fields, the weather is good, and you’re feeling energetic when you’re getting started, and you’re even listening to some good music, as you keep on running, eventually, your thoughts drift off. You start to play all kinds of scenarios about your ex… Things you could say to her, what could happen if you see her again, how things will be like in a few months from now, and so on. And BAM!… All of a sudden, your run is ruined, once again. And this keeps on happening, again and again. Certain activities make it much easier to keep on thinking about your ex-girlfriend.

A run is a really long-term activity with not much variety. Running is great when you get in the zone and I often forget everything when I’m on a run, but likewise, when you’re feeling a lot of heartbreak, you may instead just easily drift off because you got nothing to do but run, so naturally, instead of getting into the zone, you will just start thinking about your ex-girlfriend. That’s not exactly helpful. This kind of struggle is no different from when you’re sitting at work and perhaps you’re doing the same old stuff that doesn’t really excite you right now, and now you’re back to thinking about your ex-girlfriend again.

This really sucks, doesn’t it? I really emphasize with the struggle. I’ve experienced this firsthand, and I’ve seen it so many times when coaching clients about their heartbreak. Deep heartbreak can take extremely deep roots. And the closer it’s been since the breakup happened, obviously, the harder it gets. There’s no point in me sugarcoating this: Your first weeks or months will be the hardest, but you will feel better, I promise.

And while your thoughts still keep on drifting on a regular basis, you need to try and find activities that stop you from jumping back to your ex-girlfriend all the time. This is why socializing, or things such as volunteering can be so helpful. Things that give us deep joy can act as great ways to distract from the pain. When you are going through a breakup, the only thing that you know is pain. You don’t even know what joy and happiness feel like any longer.

Anyone who’s ever dealt with grief knows the feeling of being overwhelmed with it and then gaining a moment of clarity, probably along a bunch of people, doing something that is fun, and feeling as if life has a lot of possibilities to offer. But of course, that joy then never lasts. And that’s because we have to consciously re-create that joy, over and over again until we reach the point where we have more joy than grief in our lives. It’s the grief, or the lack of joy that takes your thoughts to come back to your ex-girlfriend.

As much as I dislike women acting disrespectful after breakups by constantly boasting about how happy they are, and treating their post-breakup recovery like a party, they got at least one thing right: They seek out as much happiness as possible. I wouldn’t suggest seeking out AS MUCH happiness as possible, but seeking out A LOT of happiness and finding a new purpose in life after a breakup is definitely a good strategy. If you can find two things to pursue once a week that is enjoyable, makes you feel good about yourself, or brings you deep purpose, then you are likely to stop caring about your ex-girlfriend eventually, either because you feel good about something that you’re pursuing, or because you feel good about contributing something to your community, or because you are simply having a lot of fun with new friends.

To stop caring about your ex-girlfriend, you have to actively pursue things that over time, will start to feel more rewarding than your ex. After a breakup, you still treat her as the only dopamine hit that you imagine will bring you happiness, but with time, you’ll find many things that bring you new-found happiness, and perhaps in the future, you’ll even find another woman. Take your time and find something new to bring you joy, purpose, and fun.

I still remember as if it were yesterday when I had my really bad breakup that also motivated me to become a relationship coach. Before the breakup, my ex and I were living in Metro Manila, and I was extremely active in the startup and tech scene. I had so many friends over there. I was organizing product management meetups once a month and I always had something interesting going on.

But maybe roughly 3 months before the breakup, we had moved to a surf beach, and all of a sudden, when the breakup happened, I no longer had my usual hobbies, activities, and friends to lean on. And I was extremely heartbroken. So I had no routine, and I was utterly lost. It was absolute torture!

But then after a while of having no idea what I was doing with my life, and constantly thinking about my ex-girlfriend, I went to Bali and I began going to a weekly men’s group. That was actually the first time for me that I went to a men’s group and it was absolutely epic. I also began reading and posting a lot about personal growth around this time. I really transformed my life back then, and the weekly men’s group, as well as hanging out with the guys from the group, or going to the gym together, all of these activities basically made me forget my ex-girlfriend without even realizing it. Almost out of the blue. It happened really fast that I finally started to forget my ex-girlfriend, or at least, I finally had new things in life that gave me a lot of fun, happiness and meaning.

But ironically, I still remember it as if it was yesterday… In the first week or so of me being in Bali, I am not sure if I remember it correctly, I think maybe it was my ex’s birthday and I was so messed up. I remember pacing around at my villa, crying, thinking about sending her a really long, heartfelt message. But, fortunately, I never did that, and then, shortly after that, all my new habits and new interests contributed to me slowly forgetting about my ex-girlfriend and going on with my life.

So, if you want to stop caring about your ex-girlfriend, then find new things that you care about. Or perhaps it’s even just about going back to old things that you used to care about. I’m sure going back to my old life would have also greatly contributed to my healing process, although I am sure the incredible Bali life and especially my men’s group helped me a lot to overcome my heartbreak. I don’t know if you currently have something in your life that could become your new anchor in life, but even if you don’t have it right now, just as I did, you can find something new that will make you feel so much better in a very short time frame.

Sometimes, we overestimate how long it takes for us to get over our heartbreak, primarily because we haven’t yet experienced the one thing that’ll make everything better. But often, it is possible that your life can change with one simple moment, or one simple change. You may not realize it yet, but you could be just a week away from that small but meaningful change in your life that will finally make everything better. So don’t give up hope, and I hope I’ve inspired you to brainstorm and experiment with exploring new things that will bring you new-found happiness.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time.