How to go from a long term relationship to being single? Change always sucks, but perhaps, going from a long-term relationship to being all by yourself is among the hardest changes, so let’s talk about it.

Hey guys, welcome back to the Breakup Corner, I’m Andi Galster, and here I talk about moving on from breakups for guys. Man, this is a tough one. Honestly, going through a breakup by itself is already really painful. And the longer you’ve been in a relationship, the more it hurts when the two of you break up. The loss feels unreal at times.

But it gets even harder if you’ve been in a really long relationship. After 2-3 years with a woman, you really start to settle in with your life. It’s almost like your life has turned into a habit. Being with your girlfriend, the things that you did together, your relationship habits like date nights, movie binge marathons, people you used to meet… All of that stuff and more… Every relationship has their own kinds of rituals that are repeated over and over. And when you are all of a sudden faced with a breakup, you have to let go of all these rituals, and learn how to live in a completely different way.

Honestly, change is fucking hard. Have you ever been stuck on one particular thing, like a goal, an approach, an activity, a job, a business pursuit, and so on? If yes, then you know how hard it is to make a change and redefine the way that you do things. Dealing with a breakup and accepting that you have to be single and change your lifestyle isn’t any different. And the loneliness that comes along with a breakup doesn’t make any of this change easier. It just makes it worse. I’m sure you’re desperately fighting against this change. You don’t want to accept it no matter what, right?

It’s no coincidence that people jump from one change to another after a breakup. They go traveling. They get a new haircut. They suddenly get into watching poetry for a month. Then they enter a rebound relationship. Etc. etc… All of these changes that we go through are meant to stop us from accepting the real change that’s required after a breakup: Acceptance that we’re going through a long phase of change. And that change takes time. Our new lifestyle and identity won’t resolve itself by rushing through as much change as quickly as possible. It’s important of course, but you can’t speedblitz through that change.

It’s ironic, if you think about it. When we have a breakup, we will embrace any kind of change, except for the change that’s obvious and right in front of us. Your brain is telling you: You’re single now. Deal with it. But your heart doesn’t want to accept being single. And so it changes what it does on a weekly basis.

I am sure you are struggling a lot with this. I’m sure you cannot accept that the relationship is over. You can’t accept that you’re all by yourself. You can’t accept that she is gone and isn’t coming back. You can’t accept that you have to start all over again. And you definitely can’t accept that all of these years seem meaningless now. 

And this is where the randomness comes from, to try to fill the emptiness with anything that you believe will solve the problem. I wholeheartedly get it. I really, really do. We all do it. And it’s sort of okay.

Change is nothing bad. It’s important that you want to reinvent yourself. Trying to find what works for you after a breakup is extremely important. But it’s also important to recognize when you’re trying to change too much, too fast, without accepting the change that just happened.

You’re single right now and it will take some time to adjust from your relationship. You’ll probably miss your ex-girlfriend for quite some time, and you will keep on looking for new things that bring you new fulfillment and happiness in life. Just make sure that you don’t jump from one thing after the other from one week to the next. 

Sometimes, it’s necessary to let yourself sit with that empty heart of yours and just feel the emptiness. Observe it and analyze how you feel, and try to listen to what’s missing. Aside from your ex-girlfriend, obviously. It takes time to figure out how to fill the void in your heart, and in your life, with something new, and meaningful.

Actually, I just started volunteering here in Vietnam. There’s a website where you can find lots of local volunteering opportunities. And that’s the change that I’m embracing right now for myself after trying to force a lot of change in my own life. And now that I’m just focused on one thing, and not rushing, I feel much calmer.

Without a doubt, you need to change, you need to discover new things to do and to use those as your new perspective and goals in life. But you shouldn’t rush. You shouldn’t try to seek all the answers by tomorrow. It takes time. Naturally, if you’ve been in a relationship for many years, then you can’t expect to find what you want to do and who you want to be now, within just a few weeks or even months. Cycling through as many things as possible as quickly as possible, of course, also likely won’t solve the issue. A long relationship, followed by a breakup, requires time to heal. You need to give yourself time to explore yourself and listen to yourself.

And at times, that means just being stuck with the change of being single, and listening to how that feels. Just not doing anything, but being single and not trying to reach the next big thing to try or do. So that means, not trying to make sense of everything at once. Start with one small thing, see how it works for you for a few months, and if it doesn’t help, then change your direction in life.

And don’t feel bad if being single doesn’t immediately feel right to you. There will be moments when you will hate being alone at home, having nobody to go out with, nobody to fall asleep next to, and so on. But with time, you will adapt and feel better. For now, take it easy. Go with a little change, one by one without rushing it. And I hope that very soon, you will feel better.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time.