How to get over your first ex girlfriend? Well, you know as they say, the first time is always the hardest. Although, well, technically I don’t fully agree with that for breakups. I do think that the very first serious breakup is among the most difficult breakups of a lifetime and the first breakup often isn’t the most severe one.

However, let’s specifically look at the very first breakup with your first proper girlfriend. I think there is a lot of wisdom that can be gained from handling the first breakup with a woman properly, rather than giving in to all your emotional impulse decisions. So, let’s talk about it.

Hey guys, welcome back to the Breakup Corner, I’m Andi Galster, and here I teach men how to move on from their ex-girlfriend. So, your first breakup ever with an ex-girlfriend is often a big shock. Because of a lack of experience, you have absolutely no idea how to handle it at all. And based on whether she dumped you, which I’d say is the more likely scenario as a young man, you will probably also feel betrayed, hurt, used, lied to, etc… 

I’ll never forget my first breakup. I was dating this beautiful blonde haired girl, she was really fun and bubbly, way more extroverted than me. I was extremely shy and introverted back then. Being with her was great. And well, in retrospect, she was way out of my league. And of course, eventually, she dumped me, seemingly out of nowhere. I felt extremely betrayed by that breakup. I thought everything was perfect, I was madly in love with her and I couldn’t believe how she could do this to me.

The way she broke up with me, with no tolerance for working things out really drove me crazy. I couldn’t believe it. I remember, back then I tried to beg and plead with her. Not too desperately. I’ve seen quite a few bad scenarios as a coach. But essentially, what I did was that I chased her. I tried to figure out why she was doing this. I think back then I once talked to her mother to figure out what I did wrong. It was obvious that the mother liked me and she felt sorry for me, but the sad look in her eyes said it all: It doesn’t matter what the reason is, you have to let it go. 

And that’s perhaps the best advice that I can give to you if you’re going through your first breakup. If it’s your first breakup, then you’re probably quite young. Maybe you’re not even in your 20s yet. Or perhaps you’re in your early to mid-twenties. A lot of relationships in our early lives don’t last very long, and that’s for good reason: We tend to be immature, don’t know what we want, don’t understand ourselves, haven’t created a proper identity for ourselves yet, and so on.

Your ex-girlfriend who broke up with you is just the same. The younger both of you are, the more pointless it becomes to try and find rhyme and reason in the breakup. Trying to chase her, gaining closure, trying to persuade her to change her mind, and so on, none of these things will really work out to get you the result that you want. Heck, your ex-girlfriend could have potentially broken up with you because she was struggling to manage her hormones during her period. 

That’s a slightly hyperbolic extreme example, but the core idea is true: There are a lot of reasons why your ex may have broken up with you. And some of those reasons will probably seem extremely idiotic to you, and probably even to her, in 3 or 4 years from now.

So the best thing that you can do when your first girlfriend breaks up with you, is to not chase. Not try to find the perfect resolution to the breakup. Not trying to bargain for a second chance. A first breakup really sucks. It confronts you with a lot of uncomfortable truths, such as realizing that for a woman, she can turn off a relationship in an instant if she made up her mind to leave. The first breakup can really pull you into a scarcity mindset where you feel left alone and extremely powerless. And when you feel like you have no control over the most important things in your life, you immediately want to gain back that control by force. But every man has to confront that intimidating mountain that says: Sometimes, women will be gone faster than you can say “breakup”. And instead of just standing in fear, you have to climb over it, and keep moving forward to wherever life will take you next. 

The only way to regain real control after a breakup isn’t by controlling your ex-girlfriend, trying to get her to pay attention to you, trying to gain closure from her, and so on. If you want to regain your power after a breakup, then you have to teach yourself that feeling powerful is a choice. When you feel powerless after a breakup, it’s because you believe that all your power is contained in your relationship with your ex-girlfriend. All the happiness, enthusiasm, dreams for the future, they’re all connected to her.

But of course, all of these things should be an integral part of yourself, and your ex should only be an extension of that. And as such, finding another woman to share those emotions is possible for you in the future. Not right now, but someday.

Every man can choose to remain strong even if his heart has been broken. That won’t magically make all your pain disappear, but if there is one thing that the first breakup can teach you is how to conduct yourself after the breakup: The only right choice is to follow the advice of my ex-girlfriend’s mother: You have to let her go and focus on yourself. So if your first ex-girlfriend broke up with you, don’t try to chase your ex-girlfriend for answers. Your ex-girlfriend is probably relatively young and inexperienced about relationships herself, so she may not even have a good answer for you anyway.

Instead, try to find new ways how you can feel powerful through action that fosters your personal growth. Hit the gym, experiment with a startup idea, learn some new technology, or a new hobby or interest, such as learning to surf, and so on. Buy some new books, or find yourself some inspiring mentors or a cool group of people to hang out with. 

And one advice that I would encourage every young man to follow for their first breakup, is to not overdo it on social media. I am sure, many of you will feel tempted to post about your emotions, your lessons learned, about the next new thing that you reflected about… Maybe you’ll share some poetry performance video about love, or an interesting article about relationships or personal growth, or maybe you’ll want to share your latest workout progress. 

While it’s not always bad to share your lessons or growth on social media to feel connected, be sure to not post on social media to gain the attention of your ex-girlfriend. Don’t do it to try and prove to her that you’re just fine. Remember, right now, you are feeling powerless, so if you want to get over your first ex-girlfriend, don’t give her all the power over you by posting things ABOUT HER on social media. Certainly, don’t post anything that you would want her to see, like a cryptic message that is directed at her.

You’re already running low on power, so don’t give her even more, which depletes your own feelings of power even further.  Instead, try to find ways to refuel that power, that has nothing to do with her at all. And WHEN you find that new fuel that gives you strength, don’t try to show to her that you’ve recharged, because that will only reduce that newfound momentum.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time.