Going back on dating apps after a break up is probably not the best idea. But of course, the temptation is big to do anyways because sometimes, we just want a quick fix. Especially after something painful like a breakup. So, let’s talk about it! Hey guys, welcome back to my little Breakup Corner, I’m Andi Galster. Here I teach men how to move on from their ex-girlfriend.

Some of you are reading this a week after your breakup with your ex-girlfriend, and some of you may already have been broken up for three months, but I’m sure no matter what time has passed, if you’re currently single and especially if you’re still missing your ex a lot, then you must be feeling extremely lonely. 

For me, the breakup with a girlfriend is metaphorically like waking up the next morning and someone has removed all the furniture in your house. All that you’re left with is an empty house, with bland walls, where even the slightest sound causes an echo. Which is very ironic. Because despite being so quiet, there’s nothing going on any longer, it’s so easy to hear the noise inside those four walls. And all you want to do is practically smash those walls that drive you insane because they are so cold, meaningless, and they only remind you of how alone you are.

Breakups are harsh, man. The longer the relationship lasted or the closer you felt to your ex-girlfriend, the harder the descent into loneliness when the relationship disappears. It’s understandable that we crave human connection after a breakup. I’m sure you miss the warmth of your ex. Not just her body’s warmth, but the warmth of her smile, her voice, her kindness, her humor, her laughter, and so on. Man, right about now, I must be making you cry. And I’m sorry to a degree. I know, I’m touching your heart right now and it probably hurts.

But, that is the point of this post. The loneliness that stems from a breakup where you miss everything about your ex-girlfriend and your past life together, will inevitably cause you to seek another human connection that makes you feel as alive as it did with your ex-girlfriend. And in principle, there is nothing wrong with that notion.

Of course, I want you to find happiness again with another woman. And one day you definitely will. And I am sure some of you can’t even believe that right now. And yet, most of you will try anyways, probably relatively soon. Eventually, most of you will try to find another woman, and there is a high chance that you’ll look for her too soon, and in the wrong ways.

I’ve seen it all. In my own personal experiences, in my experiences as a coach, and when researching about the topic of breakups… We find all kinds of ways to fill that void in our hearts. Some of us go to parties. Some open dating apps. Some travel to random places with no real plan. And yes, some even go to adult hookup websites or seek out prostitutes.

Going to parties, opening dating apps, or traveling isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but in the end, the only thing that makes you feel less lonely is if you no longer associate your loneliness with your ex-girlfriend. You can be at a party, surrounded by 100s of people, and feel completely alone because the group next to you are couples and you miss that your ex is not by your side. 

You can travel to the most beautiful places and wish she’s there so you can share that moment, and you can be on a date with a woman and project the qualities of your ex-girlfriend on her and wish that she will be a replacement for your ex. 

That’s why your goal should be to cure your loneliness by being OK with being alone. That doesn’t mean that you should normalize being alone. Being surrounded by other people is perfectly fine. You just need to learn again that it is Ok to be without your ex-girlfriend. And that you don’t need anything to replace her with.

Of course, it is paradoxical because once you no longer miss your ex-girlfriend and for example, you are at a party, or on a date, or traveling and you no longer think of her, you have effectively replaced her with those activities. But in that case, you’ve done so because you appreciate what replaced her, rather than using that specific thing or person as a replacement for your ex.

That’s why I think going on dating apps is not necessarily the best idea after a breakup, because it tends to be a pro-active action, a choice to try and replace your ex and find someone new. I think your chances early on after a breakup would be much higher to find a woman who truly replaces your ex-girlfriend because you appreciate that woman deeply. And you’d likely meet that woman out of the blue when you least expected it. Sometimes, you will bump into a woman and start a conversation when you least expect it, and instead of already having the expectation or goal of replacing your ex-girlfriend with her, you will begin appreciating her in more subconscious ways without thinking about your ex. Of course, it is still possible to have a random encounter with a woman, really like her, but it’s still too soon after the breakup to date her. Sure, maybe you are meeting her too soon, but I think the general intent is already different. Your focus is more on the new woman, than your thoughts about your ex.

Of course, generally speaking, if you are not ready for a new relationship yet, then it’s just too soon. But a random encounter is probably more likely to have the right timing than going on dating apps, because you are consciously choosing to be on a dating app RIGHT NOW when you are still feeling very lonely without your ex-girlfriend. 

So when you are thinking about using a dating app to meet new women again, ask yourself first if you are rushing too soon, or if you have ulterior motives. Why do you actually want to meet women? What’s your biggest motivator to date again? 

Do you believe you are ready to date another woman, or is it likely that you are still thinking a lot about your ex-girlfriend? I don’t want to discourage you from using dating apps completely after a breakup, just make sure that you don’t impulsively or prematurely decide to go on a dating app simply because you want to feel something. If you feel empty and need to feel SOMETHING to feel better, perhaps you have to start by feeling the things that you don’t want to deal with right now. As hard as that may be. Maybe just choosing to date right away is too abrupt. Maybe you need a plan first. Like when you move into a new house. You would obviously make a plan on how to decorate the house, rather than just buying random items.

Just like the metaphor with the house that’s been stripped empty, it’s quite tempting to fill it back with new furniture as quickly as possible, after all, how else could you sleep, cook, sit down, and so on. With breakups, it’s the same. We instinctively feel the need to immediately fill ourselves back up with the emotions provided by another woman.

But maybe it is OK to live more minimalistically for some time and only fill that metaphorical house of yours up with the most essential needs. Friends, family, habits, new hobbies. And eventually, once you feel that you’ve filled yourself back up with your most essential needs, and you are no longer feeling empty due to your ex missing, that’s when you will be ready to go on a dating app again. So, before you install those apps, maybe there’s another app that you could install. A fitness challenge app. Or if you’re religious, a bible app or something like that. I mean, it doesn’t have to be an app at all, of course. That’s just a metaphor. The key point is, that you should fill your life with new things relevant to you. Things that don’t involve romantic relationships, because you’re probably not ready for it yet.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time.