How to get over a breakup when it was nobody’s fault? Man, this is a tough one. How can you pick up the pieces when you know that both of you didn’t really try to intentionally sabotage the relationship, or neither of you was terrible toward the other, and in the end, it was just that both of you didn’t know how to communicate your needs in the right way. I know how hard that is.

Now, of course, let’s have some real talk for a moment. It’s always someone’s fault. After all, if there was nothing wrong, then why would you ever have broken up, right? Even if there were never any bad intentions, I think it’s important to remain realistic after a breakup. Yes, there was something wrong with the relationship. And either one of you, or both of you played some role in things not working out. Of course, there are rare exceptions, like when one of you just had to move away or leave the country because of a job, but generally speaking, something must at least have triggered the breakup. So while nobody might be to blame, per se, you also should always remain realistic about your breakup. But I digress. 

So, what do you do with the knowledge that in another life, you could have made this work? That’s where it starts. The what-if’s. The overthinking. The constant rumination, where you play the relationship over in your head. Again and again. You start to analyze where things went wrong and what you could have done differently. Maybe if you would have not made that one decision, or decided it differently, then maybe things could have worked out. 

For example, before one of my relationships failed, we had a choice to move to two places, and I think if we would have moved to the place I preferred, well… I can’t say things would have definitely worked out, but at the very least, it wouldn’t have ended so quickly. It’s easy to then think about these small but important decisions that could have made a huge difference in your relationship.

I completely understand where you’re coming from if that’s what you’re doing. Believe me, I’ve done that more than I could imagine in a past relationship — although that relationship was a different context. It was overall already quite unhealthy and my ex-girlfriend from then was not as good as I believed back then.

And that’s actually a good point to make. In the long-run, it doesn’t matter if you could have made it work given some better circumstances, or some better choice. The only thing you can do is move forward and gain space from the situation. Maybe your girlfriend was worse than you give her credit for right now. Or maybe not. But all you can do is move forward..

I understand how this kind of rumination can nearly ruin your life. It starts to control your life, and every moment is spent replaying the relationship. It’s great if you are trying to figure out what you could have done differently. I think it’s the right thing to do so you can do better next time. But especially when neither of you can be clearly blamed for what went wrong, then it is all the more reason to actually focus on the positive aspects of the relationship, rather than asking yourself over and over how things could have played out differently in another life.

The only advice that I want to give you with this post is to go easy on yourself. Some things aren’t meant to be fixed. Some things will not make sense to you right now, but in 2 years from now you’ll look back and find closure because you’ll have grown from your experiences. And sometimes, relationships just weren’t meant to work out… Not because there was a lot of toxicity involved, or because both of you were fighting non-stop with each other, and so on, but simply, because at times, life is random and doesn’t always work out the way we’d want it to.

For example, statistically, based on my channel statistics, my audience is usually in their early 20s and their 30s. With a bigger percentage being younger audiences. So clearly, there’s a drop-off of interest in breakup advice as men get older. Why? Because young relationships tend to be more short-lived. If you’re in your 30s or 40s, you either have figured out your life and relationships, or you’re likely settled in your ways.

But in your 20s, everything is always in constant flux. Your life is always moving. You’re always figuring out what to do next. Couples get together, and realize they aren’t even compatible with each other.

Like for example, a girlfriend who is extremely extroverted, who’s dating a guy who is extremely introverted… Now, I actually don’t think that’s an indicator that a relationship can’t work out, but at a younger age, it probably will seem that way. Was it anybody’s fault when one of the two was unhappy and broke up? By the way, it would most likely be the woman… But would it be her fault? Or his fault if he’d break up?… Well, maybe in theory you could say, yes… But the naivety and inexperience of youth simply led them to not be right for each other at the right time. 

Sometimes, it’s pointless to spend months of your life ruminating about a failed relationship, that in hindsight, two or three years down the road, will be obvious to you… We just were too young. We were both too ambitious. We had completely different life goals. And so on. Once you would have context and a bit more wisdom under your belt, you’d probably chuckle at the thought of how important the relationship was to you, and especially, that you ever believed that this relationship was the type of relationship that you wanted.

And that’s why I would like to encourage you to not take your failed relationship too seriously if it was nobody’s fault that it went wrong. In fact, in a sense, you can be grateful about it, because you can look back on it with more pride and gratitude. Not every relationship ended in such a good way. Being able to look fondly on an ex, and not see her as an enemy, is a true blessing that you’ll only appreciate with age.

If it really was nobody’s fault, then just try to be grateful for the good things that happened, and try to ask yourself how you can find similarly good things again in your new life. Or with somebody else in the future. Of course, you’ll have to add your new-found wisdom into the mix. 

You probably won’t think about this right now. It’s good to take your time to heal and gain perspective on the relationship first, and ask yourself what this means for your next relationship. If nobody’s to blame, then ask yourself, what were the good parts about the relationship. What can you be proud of? What can you be grateful for? What do you absolutely want to experience again, and yes, despite all of it being mostly a great relationship, what can be done better or differently?

You can’t help it that you’re missing your ex-girlfriend a lot right now. She’s gone and you both have to find your own answers to these questions. You both have to start again and learn from the time you spent together, but in the end, you both can be grateful that you were privileged to learn from a partner who wasn’t a toxic piece of shit. That is rarer than you may think. You are privileged to have been in a relationship that may have ended, and it’s of course still very painful, but you’re one of the lucky ones because you can look at everything with gratitude in a year from now.

So, I hope you can look forward to the future with gratitude, and even a bit of excitement very soon. I would like you to pump yourself up, to find your positive spirit again, and focus on the good, rather than the bed, or your heartbreak. We often focus on the bad and forget that we can be the masters of our own reality. Your breakup may hurt, and you miss her like crazy, but you have the power of positivity on your side. In the future, with the right energy and approach to keep on moving forward, soon, you’ll feel better again, and you’ll start to meet new people, and especially women, who give you up again that life isn’t all that bad. And even the loss of your relationship will no longer feel quite as bad. 

Perhaps, one great way, which is something that I do myself for everyday activities and of course, also relationships, whether platonic or romantic, is to keep a gratitude journal, to write down the things that I’m grateful for. Sometimes, all we need to feel better in life are conscious actions and a conscious focus on positivity for the things in life that we can be grateful for. Not everything is doom and gloom after a breakup, and if you and your ex-girlfriend could split up in a relatively courteous way, and neither is to be blamed, then perhaps, this is a great way to start reminding yourself about the things you can be grateful for, and then use that positivity as a motivator to move forward with a conscious attempt to be happy again.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you this time.