Is it Worth Chasing your Ex-Girlfriend? Here’s The Harsh Truth Why No Contact for Men is a Bad Idea…
It’s simple: A man shouldn’t chase his ex-girlfriend!
I am a breakup coach. For three years, I coached many men on re-attracting their ex-girlfriend. Some got back together with their ex. Yes, it’s possible. Getting back with an ex girlfriend is a great experience when it all works out perfectly.
So why do I think no contact for men is a bad idea? Well, I’ve seen the same mistake over and over. Even the “best” of my clients weren’t safe from obsession over their ex-girlfriend.
My no contact advice focused on helping men reinvent themselves and become more attractive after the breakup. But unfortunately, most men who want their ex back are desperate for a sign that she will be back — and this ends up being a huge distraction.
Going No Contact to Get Her Back Often does More Harm than Good
Are you desperate to get your ex-girlfriend back? Maybe you’ve come across “no contact rule“ advice and thought it might be the key to fixing your relationship. Using the 30 Days No Contact Rule sounds like a great solution. But does no contact really work to get an ex girlfriend back?
I’m here to share why no contact doesn’t work. Yes, no contact will make an ex miss you. Ex-girlfriends often come back! But the same reason why you want to win your ex back, is also why no contact likely won’t work for you. Once you understand no contact psychology, you’ll learn why it’s not the best strategy for men.
There are many things that can go wrong during no contact and I’ve seen it all in my work with over 100 clients. Here are the secrets about what no contact breakup coaches don’t want you to know. Let’s look at 4 reasons why no contact backfires:
4 Reasons Why No Contact Doesn’t Work — Especially for Men
No Contact Keeps You Focused on Pleasing Your Ex, Not Yourself
When you implement the no contact rule, your intentions might be to become stronger, more attractive, and rediscover your masculinity. However, the underlying motivation often remains pleasing your ex-girlfriend. Instead of genuinely reinventing yourself for your own benefit, you’re still indirectly chasing her. This mindset trap prevents you from truly growing and reaching a point where you’re content regardless of whether she returns or not.
Real personal growth should lead to a place where either outcome — reconciliation or moving on — feels positive for you. But when you’re fixated on the no contact rule as a means to win her back, you’re not really doing it for yourself. You’re doing it with the hope that she’ll notice, that she’ll regret her decision, that she’ll come running back. This external focus undermines the entire process of self-improvement and healing.
Moreover, this approach often leads to a dangerous cycle of dependency. Even if you do manage to attract her attention again, you haven’t addressed the root cause of why you’re so desperate to please her in the first place. This can set you up for future relationship problems, where you’re constantly seeking her approval rather than being a strong, independent partner.
No Contact Often Leads to Short-Term or Superficial Self-Improvement
The no contact period, whether it’s 30, 60, or 90 days, frequently becomes all about re-attracting your ex rather than genuine self-improvement. You find yourself constantly wondering, “Does she miss me yet?” or “When will she reach out?” This preoccupation can lead to only surface-level personal growth. You might experience an initial boost in self-improvement efforts, but as soon as you don’t see the desired results, you fall back into a passive waiting game.
This cycle keeps you stuck when you could be growing significantly, either to become happily single or to prepare yourself for a new, healthier relationship. The problem is that your motivation is externally driven. You’re not working out, pursuing new hobbies, or advancing your career because you genuinely want to improve yourself. You’re doing it with the hope that these changes will make you more attractive to your ex.
As a result, any improvements you make are likely to be short-lived. Once the no contact period “ends”, or if you get back together with your ex, you might find yourself slipping back into old habits. True, lasting change comes from an internal desire to grow and improve, not from the hope of impressing a woman — no matter how much you love her.
The Quality of Your Ex Determines the Outcome, Not the No Contact Rule
A genuinely remorseful ex-girlfriend who regrets the breakup will typically reach out relatively quickly — within a few weeks or months. She might have a brief rebound period but will soon realize her feelings for you and want to get back together. In contrast, an ex who’s not truly invested in the relationship might keep you waiting indefinitely. She may explore multiple relationships, have various sexual experiences or hookups, and only consider returning when she’s exhausted all other options.
By then, she might hope you’ll welcome her back with open arms, disregarding the emotional toll her absence has taken on you. The no contact rule doesn’t change these fundamental dynamics. It doesn’t make a non-committal ex suddenly realize your worth and make her come back to you for the right reasons.
Moreover, the length of time it takes for an ex to reach out can be telling. If she only comes back after months or years, when all her other options have been exhausted, is she really the kind of woman you want and deserve? The no contact rule can’t force a woman to value you or the relationship. It can’t create genuine remorse or commitment where none existed before.
Getting An Ex-Girlfriend Back Should Be Easy, Not a Complex Strategy Game
If an ex-girlfriend genuinely loves you and regrets the breakup, getting back together should be relatively straightforward. While some psychological breakup principles play a role and are useful to know, you shouldn’t need elaborate strategies or mind games to rekindle the relationship. If you find yourself needing to employ complex tactics or constantly analyze her behavior, it might be a sign that she’s not fully committed to rebuilding the relationship.
A healthy reconciliation should involve clear communication and mutual effort, not confusion and inconsistency. If it feels like an uphill battle, it might be time to reconsider whether the relationship is worth pursuing. The truth is, when both parties are genuinely interested in reconciling, the process tends to unfold naturally, quickly, and without a lot of back and forth. There might be some initial awkwardness or hesitation, but overall, both ex-partners will be actively working towards rebuilding the relationship.
Furthermore, if you need to rely on manipulative tactics or psychological tricks to get your ex back, you’re setting yourself up for a relationship built on shaky ground. Even if these strategies work in the short term, they don’t address the underlying issues that led to the breakup in the first place. A truly successful ex back scenario comes from mutual growth and a genuine desire to be together.
How to Handle a Breakup As a Man — Doing No Contact the Right Way
After years of coaching men on how to use the no contact rule to get their ex-girlfriends back, I’ve come to realize that while it can be helpful for personal growth and finding peace, every man who wants their ex back follows the same thought and behavior patterns — no contact becomes a trap, leaving men unable to stop thinking about their ex-girlfriend.
A man should never chase a woman. But even doing no contact with personal growth as a main focus, is still similar to chasing your ex-girlfriend.
The psychological principles at play, including attachment styles, can cause men to obsess and ruminate even with their best intentions. That’s why I wrote my book “No Contact Myth: Progress, Not Pursuit” (Why Men Must Move On And Not Chase Their Ex
In This No Contact Rule Book, I share:
- What I’ve learned from coaching countless men, and the unintended consequences that arise from the no contact rule
- The truth about attachment styles and why they are the number one reason why doing no contact is a terrible idea to win an ex-girlfriend back
- Why the no contact rule is often misunderstood and why men crave to be deceived about getting their ex-girlfriend back
- The psychological reasons why men cling to past relationships with women and how to break free from the obsession about your ex-girlfriend
- What you can learn from your breakup with a woman and how you can improve your next relationship with a woman
- Strategies for personal growth after a breakup that will make you more appealing to high-quality women
- How to develop yourself as a man after a breakup and build confidence that doesn’t depend on your ex or any woman
- How to start dating again after a breakup and how to find a new girlfriend without losing hope
I’ll reveal why the no contact rule, as it’s commonly taught, can be misleading. While the core idea of giving yourself space to heal is sound, the way it’s marketed as a foolproof strategy to win back your ex sets unrealistic expectations. This advice keeps you stuck in a cycle of hope and disappointment.
The truth is, no contact can be a valuable tool for personal growth and moving on, but it’s not the guaranteed path to reconciliation that it’s often portrayed to be. In fact, focusing too much on the rules and strategies of no contact can keep you stuck in a cycle of uncertainty, preventing you from truly healing and moving forward.
However, using no contact to become attractive again after a breakup is an incredible strategy. Don’t pin all your hopes on a re-attraction strategy that doesn’t always deliver the results you desperately want. Instead, let me help you overcome your anxiety, feelings of desperation, and insecurity. Handle your breakup like a man — reclaim your masculinity and confidence so you no longer have to think about your ex-girlfriend every single day.
Focus on the most important relationship in your life — the one with yourself — so you can become a man who naturally attracts amazing women after a breakup, whether that’s your ex or someone new.
Ready to stop chasing your ex-girlfriend and start building a brighter future for yourself? It’s time to discover a better approach to happiness that doesn’t depend on winning back your ex. Get your copy of “No Contact Myth” today and take the first step towards real healing, personal growth, and becoming the best version of yourself.
